my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
