My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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