i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I can text with my tongue
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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