3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
