Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Houston, we have a blender
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
