when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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