You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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