Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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