i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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