He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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