Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
