Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.