You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We were destined to go to rehab together
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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