So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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