90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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