I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
