i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
