mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
