I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
