I faked an abortion last night.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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