so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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