i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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