I am spending my child support on dildos
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize