Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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