Got a toothbrush?
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
