onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Text me some of your sweat
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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