oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
