Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
