the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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