remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
