If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
