is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize