That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
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But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
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It's rum buckets o'clock
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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