The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
