shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Drake has all the answers
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
