smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
