Cold hands, warm shart.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
