Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
