He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
