Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
