I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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