Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
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