tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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