Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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