Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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