Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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