I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
