he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
