im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
