can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
