Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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