We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
