Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
