eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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