I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
