Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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